National Clothesline

Installation instructions: Step #1:… using a 3/8” splartzfoozey (10) mount lower klangtwit to blegsquetter #414 (as shown) with silver capped whiz-lock nut (8). Close “S” hook (5) with 1/4” borgfalkar. Make sure horizontal section of 3/8” grubdubber (2) is securely fastened to fleedle pin. Rotate garkwazzle (12) one full turn clockwise and insert 3/16” blegsqua. (see fig. 4-1). Tighten with 5/8” spanner and take remainder of day off… you earned it!

Some folks can handle detailed assembly instructions with ease and there are others who don’t mind at all that the thing is put together incorrectly. They just enjoy doing it themselves and they get immense pleasure from completing a job, even if it’s not perfect. If you fall into either of these categories… go on to the next article. This one’s not for you.

The rumble of a diesel in my driveway broke the Saturday morning silence. Mak, our black lab, brought the noise level to a crescendo with endless rounds of barking as he heralded the arrival of the John M. Smythe delivery truck.

It was December 22 and our son, Jeff, had sent us a Christmas gift — two huge cartons, each weighing over 200 lbs., containing more than 600 pieces of wood and hardware with two instruction manuals. The fun had just begun.

Since I had recently undergone wrist surgery, my job was to find and organize all the parts and pieces and then read the detailed instructions to my wife, who actually did the hammering, screwing, twisting and gluing. The two of us worked well in concert, but even with four eyes on the job, we still managed to install one shelf with the rough side showing. The mistake was corrected, but not easily.

Two nights later, after about 16 hours of nonstop labor, our new home theater center was assembled. It looks great and we really enjoy it, but I learned an important lesson in the process. Had I known it would be that much work, I would have paid a handyman almost anything to put it together.

Which brings me to the problem of “do-it-yourselfer” products and services.

We live in an age of instant results. We want fast food, fast travel and fast products and services. And in an effort to gain instant results, people often tackle projects they’re not equipped to handle. It’s a combination of the desire to have something now and the willingness to take the kit home and assemble it.

Unfortunately, the kit often doesn’t get put together correctly and the item is taken back to the store for credit.

Today, more and more businesses are discovering that if they offer fully assembled products, they are able to charge more, get fewer returns and have more satisfied customers.

A good example is WalMart. Until three years ago, if you bought a bike or an outdoor grill from them, you had to either assemble it yourself or pay extra to have store personnel assemble it for you.

WalMart discovered that most customers were do-it-yourselfers and chose to put items together themselves. This led to products that were incorrectly assembled, didn’t work properly and were ultimately returned for a refund by dissatisfied customers.

So, as of three years ago, assembly is free on most items at WalMart. The store pre-assembles the units and includes the cost of assembly in the price of the product. The end result for WalMart is more sales, fewer returns and happier customers.

The same principle applies in marketing, especially with regard to small companies that lack the luxury of a full-fledged marketing department.

Many drycleaners, for example, feel confident they can put together a marketing kit. They attempt to accomplish in a few days or weeks what advertising professionals spend years to learn. The end result is that the project never gets started because it’s too overwhelming or it’s done in an unprofessional or incomplete way and doesn’t achieve the results it was intended to get.

I’ve personally listened to scores of cleaners over the years who have called our office asking for help in marketing. The conversation usually follows a pattern. They begin by saying they need to promote. I ask what they’ve done recently. They reply… “nothing much.”

Then the cleaner will usually add that he’s been meaning to learn how to buy a list or how to get a bulk rate permit, or how to get someone to write a good, newsworthy press release for the store. Ultimately, they do nothing or, if they do, what they end up doing is actually harmful to the business.

Computers have spawned a whole new generation of do-it-yourself marketers… drycleaners who spend more time learning desktop publishing, graphic design and dynamic HTML than they do running their business. The truth is they would much rather tweak their websites than clean, spot and press.

Are you a do-it-yourselfer when it comes to promoting your business?

If so, perhaps you should consider how much time it costs. You may be better off turning those responsibilities over to a marketing company.

Walt Szeezil enjoys his spare time

Let’s face it, few cleaners can afford the services of a big name ad agency and in most cases, that’s not what’s best anyway.

But, there are plenty of alternatives, and the chasm is very wide between a no-cost do-it-yourself plan and blowing a big hole in your pocket on an Ogilvie & Mather production. For example, the Golomb Group specializes in “no assembly required” marketing programs at a fraction of the cost of the average ad agency.

As a matter of fact, six years ago, Walt Szeezil called and made an appointment to come to our office.

He was a local Chicago area cleaner who owned a very large business on the north shore.

His plant covered almost an entire city block so, needless to say, Walt was a very busy guy, but he knew he could be even busier if he promoted on a regular basis.

Together, we developed a year-long “no assembly required” marketing plan over lunch and as we left the restaurant, Walt said to me, “You know, I can do what you guys do, but why should I? You save me a lot of time… and to me, time is money!”